the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
