I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's always time for handjobs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
