non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
