i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
