i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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