I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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