and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
