My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
