They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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