I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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