either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
