i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
