so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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