I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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