I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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