At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
