so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
