since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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