Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
