Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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