Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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