alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
