If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
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