My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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