Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
