Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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