I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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