just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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