I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
