A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I think I just sharted jello shots
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