The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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