Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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