Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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