I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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