A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
