first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
