drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
