my room smells like sperm. sweet.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
