i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
