my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
