I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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