What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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