I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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