I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
