all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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