im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
