That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
