There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
