Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
