Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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