I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
