so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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