i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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