the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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