Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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