I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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