I CAN MOONWALK!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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