You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
