Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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