dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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