between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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