Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
