Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
