he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
