Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
