I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
im on a boat
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