I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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